✶ BEHIND THE SCENES · UP THE ROAD FROM BAULHAM HILLS ✶

The Photoshoot

One scorching Saturday. Six rolls of film. Two hundred and fourteen takes. A lovely family who have never once given us a surname. Stu insists every frame is genuine, and Stu signs the cheques.

05:30CALL TIME
6ROLLS SHOT
214TAKES
0HUMANS ON SET*

Right, we’ll be straight with you — it’s the whole business model. Stu maintains this was a proper photoshoot: sunburn, sausage rolls, a bloke holding a reflector for nine hours, the lot.

Every frame below is untouched. Count the fingers if you fancy it. Squint at the number plates. Ask yourself why the car key looks strange. We stopped asking around take 90.

✶ THE MONEY SHOT ✶

The one Stu approved

Two hundred and fourteen takes. One winner. Stu circled this frame in red chinagraph at 6:14pm, said "that's the one, don't touch it", and went to the pub.

The approved final photograph: Stu pointing at camera with the family and their new wagon behind him ✓ 49B — that's the one
THE one. Don't touch it. — Stu FINAL SELECT · ROLL 6, FRAME 49B · Approved on set by Stu.
213frames that didn't make it. Most of them Stu's fault.
11 sectotal exposure time, if we're being scrupulously honest about it.
1frame now living on the front page, pointing at you.
✶ THE CONTACT SHEET ✶

Straight off the roll

And here's how we got there. Give one a poke to see it big. No filters, no retouching, no photographer — the dialogue, however, is verbatim.

Negatives held at Lot 5, Old Highway. Ask for Stu. Do not ask for the negatives.

Continuity Report

LOT 5 · OLD HIGHWAY · DAY 1 OF 1
Children

Two. Occasionally two and a bit.

Dad's shirt

Three different shirts. Same afternoon. Same shirt.

The bunting

Reproduces when unobserved. Now spans four postcodes.

Car keys

Grew roughly 400% between shot 014 and shot 038. The boy declined to comment.

Reflections

Decorative only. Not to be relied upon for navigation.

Fingers

Forty-seven counted across a crew of six. Maths ongoing.

The wagon

Ran beautifully. Has no engine. Both statements verified.

Stu. SIGNED BY THE CONTINUITY SUPERVISOR, WHO DID NOT ATTEND.

Crew & Credits

IN ORDER OF ENTHUSIASM

DirectorStu
CinematographyStu
WardrobeStu's actual wardrobe
Key GripA very patient young man with a spare thumb
CateringTwo-thirds of a sausage roll
Continuity[ POSITION VACANT ]
The FamilyNot related. Not paid. Not, strictly, present.
Bunting WranglerLost to the bunting
Shot on location atLot 5, Old Highway — which is a data centre

Enough showbiz. Want one?

The websites are real, mind you. Hand-built, warranted, and photographed by nobody at all.

Have a squiz at the lot Give Stu a bell